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164 Solic. J. 60 (2021)
Narcissism and Family Law: What Dispute Resolution Practitioners Should Know

handle is hein.journals/solicjo197 and id is 819 raw text is: AM i LY SOLICIR Narcissism and family law: what dispute resolution practitioners should know discusses how practitioners can approach and mediate a relationship with a narcissist t may be said the three terms which have emerged as prevalent in the world of family law during lockdown are 'domestic violence', 'parental alienation' and 'narcissism'. Arguably the third will be relevant to the other two. The word 'narcissism' is becoming increasingly common, but what exactly does it mean? There are many misconceptions. Many think narcissists are crazed dictators, murderous lunatics, cult leaders or evil villains - people whom the average person is never likely to meet. Many more believe the term 'narcissism' to be just a trendy 'buzzword' bandied about for conversational effect. Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is not as well recognised in the UK as it is in the US, it is a condition which, as a family law practitioner, you would disregard at your peril. It is commonly accepted there are four major ways those with NPD present themselves to the outside world: The exhibitionist narcissist; * The closet narcissist; The devaluing narcissist; The communal narcissist. While those with NPD will possess one of these forms, some overlap is possible, depending on the situation the narcissist finds themselves in, and what works well for them in that situation. Someone suffering from NPD will typically have experienced some kind of trauma or attachment issue in the early years of their life, leaving them emotionally trapped with the skill- set of a four-year-old, unable to empathise at all and condemned to demonstrate some rather predictable, if extremely toxic, behaviours. IDEALISE, DEVALUE AND DISCARD The cycle of 'idealise,' 'devalue' and 'discard' is the hallmark of those with narcissistic adaptations. They will usually seek out a partner who is vulnerable but also caring and empathetic. In the initial idealisation or 'love-bombing' stage of a relationship they will listen carefully to their partner, identifying what is important to them and presenting as their soulmate. What they are really doing is learning how to upset and destroy their partner in the future when they move to the 'devalue' or 'discard' stage of the relationship. The narcissist requires constant adoration in the form of supply - from anyone prepared to provide it. Supply can be in the form of positive attention but also negative drama as long as the narcissist is at the centre. Their partner believes they have met the companion of their dreams and thrive on being made to feel special. But then the criticism starts. First it is barely noticeable but confusing. Then it becomes hurtful and disorientating. THE PRACTITIONERS' RESPONSIBILITIES As a dispute resolution practitioner, you may be instructed by either the narcissist or their spouse in some capacity. Or you could be dealing with the couple as a mediator, arbitrator or private financial dispute resolution judge. Whatever the situation, it is important you properly understand exactly what it is you are dealing with. This requirement underlines the need to listen carefully when you first meet with a new client either in an options meeting, conference or intake session. As the lawyer representing a narcissist client, you will be idealised in whatever way works most effectively for the narcissist. This will be individualised to you. It is important to pay attention to how you feel. You may feel a strong sense of connection to the narcissist early on in the process, and may feel this person could be your best friend were they not your client. However, as time moves on, be prepared to be triangulated with counsel and with other lawyers and professional representatives. You may find yourself rapidly descending from 'flavour of the month' to being devalued and compared unfavourably to others. You are at risk of adapting to the manipulation demonstrated by the narcissist in their aim to be professionally valued and appreciated as you were at the outset of the case. When a narcissist is on the verge of being left by their partner/spouse, this will trigger deep abandonment issues. 'Hoovering' is the term 60/ December 2021 / solicitorsjournal com Karin Walker is a family lawyer at KGW Family Law kgwfamilylaw.com 164/11

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